Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
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There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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