I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My liver just had a heart attack.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
