Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
