my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
