Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
