Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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