I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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