This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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