Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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