Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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