Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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