If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I currently don't understand fingers.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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