I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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