We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
