Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
