My hand turned me down
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
