Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
