I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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