Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
