i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
