If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
