I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
