my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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