I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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