my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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