Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We have started to decorate penises.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
