: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
