Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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