Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
