She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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