i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
