fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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