sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
