Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
