I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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