I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
