Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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