i barfeds in our rink
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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