I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
