i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
