Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
