yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
