no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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