i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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