i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
