dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
