I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
