I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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