holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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