nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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