Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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