Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
