We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
3pm strippers are depressing
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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