He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
