my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
