Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
