so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
