I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
