we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
