Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
