Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
