the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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