Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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